Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.
MUSIC ON RADlO: Deeper And Down by Status Quo
Deeper and down
Down, down, deeper and down
I want all the world to see
to see you're laughin' and you're laughin' at me
I'll keep on and say to you
Again, again, again, again again, again, again
Deeper and down Down, down, deeper and down..
Speed camera!
- It flashed, it flashed! - I do not believe you!
Did you not see it?
Obviously not. I am driving, I'm a bit busy.
I tell you what they are - money spinners for the police.
I just paid for their Christmas piss-up.
"What'll it be, sarge?" "I'll have a double whisky - Paddy's paying."
- Do you not blame it on the music? - The music?
The music. It got you all geed up.
I don't think that'll hold up in court, Max.
"Reason for speeding - Status Quo."
No. Paddy's had enough.
I'm making a stand right 'ere, right now. We're gonna do summat.
CAR HORN
Hey-hey, that's right!
CAR HORN
A wing and a jolly good swing and a one, two, three...
I don't understand why you wanna see him.
Because we're up here and he's a mate of mine.
Well, he's no mate of mine.
You wanna be thankful. If he hadn't got sent down, you wouldn't be here.
How'd you work that out?
Cos you've got his job.
I'll get him a pint when I see him. But not tonight -
it's Friday night, Paddy's playtime.
I wanna be bumpin' and grindin' with the ladies,
not meeting Billy "The Butcher" Shannon.
And you know why they call him "Billy The Butcher" don't you?
Yeah, cos he were a butcher before he were a doorman.
Really? Not cos he stabbed his care worker 18 times with a potato peeler then?
We've all got a breaking point, Patrick.
He told her he didn't like jigsaws.
Anyway, that's all behind him now.
He's changed.
No...cheese...on...Friday!
What..have..I..told you?
MOANING
Why do we always do what you wanna do?
We don't.
We spent the afternoon in a craft museum.
It'll do you good, a bit of history.
Sacrilege, what they did to our cotton industry - they ruined it.
Judging by what these pippins are wearing, I'm not surprised it went bust.
Yes! Gotta get a slice of that pie tonight.
We'll go and see Billy - one beer won't hurt us.
That's what George Best said.
Hey! Got any jobs for real doormen?
Max? Jesus, Max!
I can't believe you're here, man, in t'flesh!
- How are ya? - How are you, sensei?
- Nice to see you, Billy. - And you, sir.
This is Paddy. D'you remember him?
- Yeah, he took me job. - Long time ago, that.
So why're you here? Some shit going down?
Old scores to settle?
No, Billy, just passin' through.
Finally got one of them motor homes.
'Ave you? Where is it?
This is it, Billy.
So it is.
Hey, she's a big girl.
Bet she swallows some juice.
She does.
At last, the Easy Rider.
Riders.
You what?
Riders. Two of us, like the film.
Yeah, but one of them got shot.
Anyway, we didn't drive all this way for t'die of thirst. Gonna buy us a drink?
I'll get you one. She'll not be old enough.
- Here he is. - Here we go.
- I'm ready for this. - For you.
Cheers, Billy.
Cheers, Maxie.
So, how was prison?
I'll tell you summat, you wouldn't have lasted seven minutes.
- Is that right? - They'd have split you in two.
Actually, we've both done a bit of bird.
Hast thou? How long?
Long enough.
Five days.
Five days? Five days?
I've slept longer than that. No offence, Max.
None taken, Billy.
You wanna try doing five years.
Know what it's like to go without a woman for five years?
- Max does, he's done ten. - Careful.
I won't be going back that's for sure. Not now I've got a son.
- You've got a kid? - I have. That's him there.
Tyson Lennox, or as I calls him, me little miracle.
That is a miracle.
Looks like his dad, dun't he?
I don't know, Billy, it's hard to tell. Who's that with him?
His mam.
Doctors said we couldn't have kids got something wrong with me balls'.
It's me jizzies. All me jizzies are swimming in t'wrong direction.
It were bedlam in me sac till doctor got me on that HMV.
You mean IVF?
Why, have you been on it?
Nothing wrong with my jizzies - they'd take your eye out.
Or mine. I've got a kid meself.
'Ave you? So have I. That's him there - Tyson Lennox, me little miracle.
You just showed him to us, about 25 seconds ago, son.
I'm on me way to see him. Hey, can I cadge a lift?
Erm... I don't know, Billy. Whereabouts is it?
Christ knows. His mam took him down Blockbusters. They've been gone three weeks.
There's so much choice these days.
We could look for him together, Max, me and you.
In Blockbusters?
No, drivin' round! It'd be a reet laugh.
- Now, hang on... - What?
You know what they say - two's company.
- And? - And three's not.
We've only got a little motor home. Where would you sleep?
You know me - I'll sleep anywhere. I'll kip on washing line.
Good, cos you're not coming.
It ain't up to you. It's his motor home.
Actually, half of that's mine, so I get half a say.
Well, you can take your half and... BELL
Hey! Just calm down, the pair of you.
Paddy, Billy...
What d'you say, Max? It'd be like auld times.
Erm, well, I don't know.
It's me and Paddy, Billy.
He's too tall for you.
Is he?
What about the club? You're on the door, you can't leave that.
I'd get another - we'll manage.
What d'you say?
Erm...
Cheers, Max! Hey, it's gonna be good, this.
HE LAUGHS WANLY
HE MOUTHS
Here'll do.
Is this it?
Shithole. Just hang on, I'll get me stuff.
Right, drive off.
What?
He's not coming. Drive off.
Oh, no. ENGINE OFF
I can't do that, Patrick. Not to a mate.
He's not a mate, he's a lunatic.
You only want him to come cos he thinks the sun shines out your arse.
I can remember when you thought that.
When?!
When you had a bit of R-S-P-C-T, that's when.
It's hard to respect somebody who can't flush a chemical toilet.
l did flush it, OK?
We must have a ghost that eats sweetcorn then.
Hey, Shannon! I want a word with you.
Playin' your music at all hours, boom, boom, boom...
The wife's just had her legs pinned.
Where'd you think you're goin'?
I hope you're not doing a bunk without paying me two weeks' rent.
I've got your money. It's right here. GUN COCKED
Hey, hey, hey, hey...
(Max) He's here now.
- Christ! How much stuff have you got? - Shut it, you.
Don't you love this, Max? Me and you.
- I'm starving. - Yeah, I could eat something.
There'll be nothing open now.
What's this?
Let's get in here.
See, it's shut.
How'd you know?
- She's putting chairs on tables. - Yeah.
Let me have a word with her, Max
see if she'll succumb to Billy's charm.
Arsehole.
Hey. There were no need for that, were there?
- Come here. - (We're shut.)
- Come here. - (I said we're shut, pet.)
- You what? - (We're shut.)
No, you're not. Get that fuckin' cooker on.
We're in here, Max!
Hey, we're in here. He's not lost the touch! Come on!
- Everything all right? - Yeah, sweet as a nut, Max.
Just saying to Paddy, she's got a heart of gold, cooking after hours.
Brings a tear to your eye.
She's here!
I am ready for this. Ho-ho!
Manna from heaven.
Whoa! Steady, cockle, steady!
All right, flower, take it easy. There's no rush. Thank you.
She's shaking like a shitting dog.
I'm not surprised, the hours they have 'em working.
Slave labour, Patrick. Bet she's knackered, the poor cow.
Hey! I'd kill for some tomato sauce.
CROCKERY RATTLES
Here we go - best drink of the day.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! I want it in the cup. - Sorry, sorry!
- Getting third-degree burns here. - Put the pot down! It's all right, love.
You go and get five minutes. I'll be mother. You go and have five minutes.
She's being treated like shit, this lady.
And judging by her age, the menopause won't be helping.
Meno-what?
The menopause.
Never heard of it.
The menopause? The change?
Hot sweats? Vaginal dyness?
There may be hot sweats when Paddy's in town, but there's no dryness.
Who's got this? You?
How? How have I got vaginal dryness?
Think about it, you clown.
You're bloody good, Max - give that Quincy a run for his money.
I'll tell you something else I've noticed -
she's on her own. On her own at this time of night.
- Place could get robbed. - Oh, aye. Where is the manager?
HE MOANS
Few good 'uns on here - Boxcar Willy, Johnny Cash.
- Hey, TV Themes, now we're talking! - Good at them, me. Knows 'em all.
Not as many as Paddy, I tell you that right now.
- You wanna bet? - Yeah, I do. We'll see.
'Scuse me, love, how much are these CDs?
You're all right, just take it. Just take it.
D'you hear that? Salt of the earth, that woman, salt of the earth.
Thank you!
All right.
What I've done is written it down for you, Brenda, love -
Citizens Advice Bureau ask to speak to your ombudsman.
You can't go on working in these conditions, it's slave labour, love.
- Are you in a union? - Max! Are you coming or what?
One minute, Patrick.
Go to your doctor, get yourself some good HRT,
you want some homeophobic remedies. Evening primrose, that's a good 'un.
Gotta look after your body, Brenda.
Don't go filling it full of shit, take a leaf out of my book.
I've written it down for you.
Think on, Brenda. All right? Come on!
That were a meal, weren't it? We ate like kings.
Tell me about it - me pants are cutting into me here.
SIRENS Eh-up, what's goin' on?
Something's kicking off.
Friday night - the weekend starts here, boys.
Right, the three suspects held up the roadside cafe at 01.15.
It was a violent and unprovoked assault.
Approach the suspects with extreme caution.
They are armed and they are dangerous.
THEY SING ALONG TO CD: Sons and daughters, love and laughter
tears and sadness and happiness..
Sons And Daughters!
- You're not having that, we've just sung it! - I got it. Tell him, Max.
Give him a point, Paddy.
I'll allow it.
As it is 12-2 to Paddy. I thought you were good at these.
The only two you've got are Porridge and Bad Girls and I wonder why that is?
Just shut up and play t'next one.
Mrs Brenda Vickers was forced at gunpoint to cook two Americano breakfasts
and a Florida waffle surprise.
CHEESY TV THEME
We've had three positive IDs from Mrs Vickers -
a familiar face, Billy Shannon.
Officers went to his flat this morning
and found Shannon's landlord and his wife wired up to the mains.
I've got it! It's Play Your Cards Right!
No, it's Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right.
- No way, you slag! I am having that! - Hey!
Get off!
It's TV Themes! It's TV Themes!
Calm down, the pair of you, or I'll crack your heads together.
Services - let's get in here, get a drink, calm down for the love of God!
Right, who's for a Ginsters?
I'm all right, me. I'll stay here.
I'm taking this. I don't want you cheating.
And when I come back, I'm having that point.
Yeah, whatever.
HE MOUTHS
What is goin' on?
The man is a lunatic.
Have you seen this?
- That's Billy's head. Who's done that? - Who'd you think?
Have you seen this?
- "Roadside cafe in armed terror". That's us! - I know.
Never mind any of that -
have you seen this?
Put the gun down, Billy. You can have the extra point.
It's not about points, Max.
Have you been going through my stuff, Paddy?
No.
You won't be doing it again.
We're gonna teach you a lesson.
Dave! Dave, is that you?
Come here!
Put the gun down, Billy, lad.
He's crossed a line, Max.
He's crossed a line?! What about this? You robbed the Little Chef.
Jesus, Bill, why didn't you tell me? I'd have warmed some soup up.
Oh, shit!
Paddy!
Pad-dy!
GUNSHOT
Oh, me pasty!
He just gets jealous...
- Chief! Shots have been fired at services. - Whereabouts?
- Scotch Corner. - Sounds like them! Let's get down there, men.
And Sandra.
Paddy!
SCREAMING AND GUNSHOT
Move out of the bloody way!
Paddy!
HE SIGHS
You've shot Paddy!
It's better now - just us two.
We can be together. But not in a gay way.
He were right - you're not a friend, you're a lunatic!
Don't say that, Max.
SIRENS Hear that? That's the police!
They're coming for you, son. Give me the gun.
I can't do that, Max.
Come on, Billy.
Don't be a hero.
If I can't have you, no-one can have you.
I'll shoot us both. We'll be together one way or another.
But not in a gay way.
Go on, then. Go on, then, do it!
Do it! Now!
'Ave it!
- Bloody hell, I thought you'd never hit him. - Don't thank me, whatever you do(!)
Are you all right?
l will be when I get this bullet out me arse.
MAX LAUGHS
HE CONTINUES LAUGHING
Aiding and abetting a known felon on an armed raid. But you say you know nothing about that?
We had no idea - we just wanted something to eat, didn't we?
I've still to take into account reckless driving and criminal damage.
Then again, you did help us apprehend Billy Shannon.
You must have known what you were getting mixed up in? You knew what Shannon was like.
You've been involved with the police recently - I hope you're not going to make a habit of it.
'..pulled up in a motorised home, sawed down the speed camera
'and threw it over the hedge.'
'If you were on that road, you must have seen them.'
'Contact the Crimetime desk, those calls are treated in confidence.'
Quick, get your foot down.
(Max) Where are we going? (Paddy) Casualty.
(Max) On a Friday night? We'll be waiting hours.
(Paddy) Well, do you wanna do it?
You might be me best friend, Paddy,
but I'm not sucking a bullet out your arse.
Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.